the flower grew from above

©Michael Marlborough

a lot can change in a year. a lot can change in a day. a lot can change when you open your eyes, or more so when you don't.

today was my first hypnotherapy session. seeing that i generally distrust people in general but believe in angels i was a bit conflicted and skeptical. she showed me a lot of things that I needed to see. one of the first things she told me was i have an eternal bond with my baby, my niece Julianna. the love of my life... til i have my own. according to her we knew each other in a former life. not sure I believe that but my heart does hurt when she's not around and my being lights up even at the mention of her name.

i also had a vision of a rose growing from the beaming golden light above me. not a stretch really since flowers can grow down towards the earth, but nonetheless in the flurry of images of my subconscious that one stuck. it reminded me of the random rose bud i saw laying on the rocks of botany bay in Sydney.

the flower had no reason to be there. only the one bud, not even the whole flower. I held it for a while, curious as to how and why this flower appeared there. roses aren't typically found on a rocky beach or in Sydney for that matter. i left it behind and it probably washed away shortly after, but I kept it's memory and of course it's smell. that's all I need really. I live my life through pictures, a visual learner. i saved the picture of that rose in my memory where it will forever stay alive and fragrant. the pictures paint the stories that create the journey.

this blog was started because of the story of one day. every day has a story. if there's a day missing here, it's not because there wasn't a story. more likely there were too many great ones to choose from or life just got in the way again and i stopped to smell the roses.

Nirvana, it's coming and it's not just a name.

i dont want to go home

time to go

©David Gilliver- melbourne

i awake today after a nightmarish sleep with dreams full of frightening visions and pieces of reality twisted in the most awful ways. time to write. there are a lot of things that need to be said out loud. often i leave them to the pen because i can say everything that i want to say, not worry about forgetting that important detail or letting emotions get in the way, cause i do that, a lot. i listen to the words of PJ harvey. her voice vibrates the air and makes me think in other directions. feel things i thought i had lost. magical.

have you ever wanted a do-over? a chance to live one way, potentially mess it up and do it all again? press the delete button and go back to the top. i get to live today twice. once in the city i love and then again in one i loathe. longest day of my life and not at all a good one, even if it technically is. the adventure continues in lalaland where reality blurs but i work a lot. work is good for now. i had an interesting conversation with a photographer in LA about her extended stay in the city, feeling trapped and losing her soul. the city of soul suckers. pretty on the surface and empty underneath. sigh.

sydney, my love, ill see you again soon... not soon enough but all good things come to those who wait, right? right...

and it continues

© D-eye

Thanks Brett!

another wonderful day in sydney as my trip comes to its end. i spent the day on pearl beach north of the city with two cool photographers that got along great. the location was amazing with the cliffs overlooking the twinkling beach below. the expanse of the city, just glorious. we make our way down to the rocks to the sandy spot below. as i dance about on the rocks and flow with this amazingly long red fabric we attract the attention of six teenage boys. boys will be boys so they creep behind the rocks trying to get a peak. hilarious since they aren't hidden at all. the brave one comes over and ask "are you shooting for playboy?" the photographer humors him, "no, for ralph actually". his mate works at that mag and we just helped them sell heaps of copies. they ask if they can be in one of the shots. i happily obliged with the agreement that they will go after they get their shot. as the boys shyly line up behind me smiling like kids in a candy store, the brave one whispers, "can i give you my number?" i just laugh. he high-fives me as they move along the beach. the day progresses and another pair of giggling boys rock up. at that point we decide the beach shoot is finished. one of the boys comes up and looks at me and asks "are you ashamed of being naked?"

i didn't know what to say. i'll never be ashamed of being nude, its what i do. im a bit of a nudist anyway and am most comfortable naked. always. im proud of my body and proud of my work. i could have said something snide like "fuck off kid, go home to your mom" which was my initial thought. but respecting the fact that this kid probably has his own issues anyway, i left it as "no, i love what i do." and smiled. his friend smacked him and said something about of course shes not dude, look at her, shes gorgeous.

the ride back to the city got me thinking. before i went on my beach adventure, i spent a few minutes chatting with my high school prom date who i havent seen in 10 plus years. hes married with 3 beautiful kids now and living his dream. we chat about this and that and then he asks "so what happened to the shy, christian girl i took to prom? now youre and international risque model." risque?? really? my response, "people change."

then he said how proud he was of me and a little jealous that i get to tour the world on someone else's dime. yeah life is good. and the little shy christian girl i used to be is gone. forever changed. sorry jesus, it had to be done.

meow....

the next day comes and goes

©Cameron Attree

model: Stephanie Anne, partner in crime

time seems to pass quickly here, far too fast. perhaps its really in slow motion, one day turns in to the next with no remorse or pause or hesitation. its tomorrow. its today. its 22 years from now. its all the same really because right now is all there ever really is. your moment has past. your prize posessions are worthless, things. thoughts. forgotten. maybe next time will be better. maybe next time ill be a butterfly.

in the meantime... i got some amazing photos from an amazing photographer with an amazing friend. yeah i think they are that good. mission beach and all its stories will not soon be forgotten. new friends, old friends, good friends. thats all that really matters. the rest is bonus and fills in the gaps of the in between.

gone but not forgotten....

right now

© zoe wiseman

the legacy continues

every now and then i sit myself down and say "shut the fuck up". not everything works out as you might hope. guess what? perfect doesn't exist. its just a pretty word that holds a lot of value when you give it that. im quitting my job soon because i think i should. its not what it used to be, the industry or the people in it. i love what i do except for when i don't. when i find my passion, when its brilliant, when i get to climb trees and make shapes and make art that speaks to you... THAT's when I love my job, thats when my work isn't work, its a part of who i am. Ill miss that when it goes away. when i get to collaborate with fantastic and inspired talent, i should add all of my friends fit in to that category. talented, inspired, fantastic, some are even famous and the best of which are infamous. i do love my life and am waiting oh so patiently to find out whats next. as soon as i stop whining maybe it will get easier. in the meantime i continue to do what i love and leave my legacy so to speak. a very good friend sent me a note today:

if there was only one frame of film left in the world and it was in my possession ... i would call you. seriously.

and THIS is when i love my job.

thanks zoe. magic!

meow...

love song

© Zoe Wiseman- mission beach

why is it that most songs are about love? finding love, losing love, falling in and out of love, making love. life without love is tragic, meaningless, painful. everyone needs someone to love. all you need is love according to Lennon and McCartney. some people have babies just to have someone that will always love them, doesn't always work that way though. some think that the little one shared between a pair can bring them closer together or cement the relationship somehow. that rarely works either. love makes life seem easier or is it far more complicated? wonder. I love you , I hate you. they come from the same place really. you can't truly love if you aren't passionate enough to hate, right? passion is where it all extends from, that place deep inside that manifests all things real and true. honest and real love is blissful, necessary, wanted.

"You're just too good to be true

can't take my eyes off of you

you'd be like heaven to touch

I wanna hold you so much

at long last love has arrived

and I thank God I'm alive

you're just too good to be true

can't take my eyes off of you"

and the list goes on and on. love...

torture

© Dave Ahronian

the glowing light of the rising sun shadows the spark of my beloved moon. gazing out the wide open window, the soft light of the city skyline fades into tomorrow. this city that i love awakes with it's normal flow. the weary and unrested wait for the heart beat to slow.

that moment when nothing else matters because that's all there is, not far now. night time, the darkness that comforts, swallowed by the day. this light that fills the room, the one that often makes it all go away, stopped today with the open mouth of the grey. this grey surrounding all things light, stagnates the morning dew as i wait patiently to feel you. hands outstretched to hold the thought, elements pasted together in the mind. still vast yet cloudy with the clutter of the foggy tidal wave. this torturous torment that wakes me from the tumultuous slumber of unrest.

as day turns in to night again my soul slows to feel the weight of the world and as it overcomes me, the tired bones of this worn out body give in, lay down and sleep. finally

my world

© David LeBeck

Im cold. I'm dirty. I'm hungry. another day in the life...

i head back to Melbourne on the tram. i could live here i think, melbourne that is. the city reminds me of San Francisco, another city i thought i would end up. maybe i still will, who knows where this life will go. the public transport here is perfect. i can go to work and be a tourist and ride all day with the change in my pocket. $2 coins that is. i ride backwards to face the children on board. the ride through the burbs cater to the schools i guess. the child next to me should reconsider his smoking habit. i ride with the music in my ears and my feet throbbing after the hike through the bush. back to where my day began on the beach. ah the beach, the one place i can get lost and feel completely at home. another long day tomorrow. no worries mate, mortgage is paid now. next stop sunshine, literally. ahh the creativity of those that name the cities. hmmm

as we move along past the bridge that houses the homeless, gazing at their homes made of blankets i feel blessed. not only because I have an actual job and home but because i continue to have or create the drive, dedication and passion to keep what i have. my life is a holiday as i always say and i'll never be under a bridge.

roos and rainbows

©CNirvana

yeah im a tourist...

i continue my journey through the lands of oz and surround myself with the creatures of the land. spring is here and joeys are sprouting. the kangaroos seem to not be intimidated by people especially those sans clothes which is how i tend to be. i found myself frolicking freely amongst these seemingly gentle creatures doing what they do while i do what i do. what comes naturally, how ill miss it. time to challenge myself. i dont want to leave this place, i dont want to be here, i just dont know. the kinks tune "australia" magically continues to play as if its the only song i own. maybe its the only one i need for now.

"Opportunities are available in all walks of life in Australia
So if you're young and if you're healthy
Why not get a boat and come to Australia

Australia, the chance of a lifetime
Australia, you get what you work for
Nobody has to be any better than what they want to be
Australia, no class distinction
Australia, no drug addiction
Nobody's got a chip on their shoulder
We'll surf like they do in the U.S.A.
We'll fly down to Sydney for our holiday
On sunny Christmas Day
Australia, Australia
No one hesitates at life or beats around the bush in Australia
So if you're young and if you're healthy
Why not get a boat and come to Australia"

life hasnt changed but somehow seems easier here, or maybe just easier to forget. far far away.

you go to my head

© Eric Scott Anderson

You go to my head and you linger like a haunting refrain
And I find you spinning 'round in my brain
Like the bubbles in a glass of champagne
You go to my head like a sip of sparkling Burgundy brew
And I find the very mention of you
Like the kicker in a julep or two

The thrill of the thought that you might give a thought to my plea
Cast a spell over me
Still I say to myself get a hold of yourself
Can't you see that it never can be

You go to my head with a smile that makes my temperature rise
Like a summer with a thousand Julys
You intoxicate my soul with your eyes
Though I'm certain that this heart of mine
Hasn't a ghost of a chance in this crazy romance
You go to my head

The thrill of the thought that you might give a thought to my plea
Cast a spell over me
Still I say to myself get a hold of yourself
Can't you see that it never can be

You go to my head with a smile that makes my temperature rise
Like a summer with a thousand Julys
You intoxicate my soul with your eyes
Though I'm certain that this heart of mine
Hasn't a ghost of a chance in this crazy romance
You go to my head
You go to my head
You go to my head

--Thanks Billie Holiday, your words fill my mind--

and the Rod Stewart version aint too shabby either...

comforted by the missed

Evaine

©CNirvana

surrounded by the memories of our first adventure here. the wonderings about the one lost and no longer by my side, i create answers that satisfy the mystery of why. i still hear his voice inside my head or maybe its my heart. connected. missed. happy so to speak, that one of us is. reminded of the good times, the conversations, the stories, laughs and shared...

watching the stolen one that sits by my side. he smiles and lets me in although the morning light will steal me away again. off to the land of dreams where he belongs, longs to be, avoids painfully. sleep, that thing that i once knew continues to evade me. heavier now i slip off to where he comes back to me. in that place where letting go is easy.

watching the glow

©Fernon

approaching the night light I see the shooting star twinkle as it burns. the heat as it passes singes my wings but I continue to flutter. gently cascading along the glow of the cloud line, past the setting of the not forgotten sun. the journey progresses in the intended fashion past the distractions that could do nothing but. on to the place where the finale is intended to commence. that spot that has yet to be created, the only place to be. which one will be beside me?

i walk the line, the one too narrow to walk alone but too wide to bring the party. tapping the surface of what lies beneath and wishing i had brought my shovel. the hole I need is deep and the dirt is too thick but the sunlight will help me burn through. at least that is the plan. as the wolf wanders through the brush i hear him in the distance. his breath is hot and i feel it when my eyes are closed. i wander further in to my story, the one i have yet to start.

away we go

Rei

©CNirvana

the flight back to where I left a piece of me. my wings are heavy from the weight of the wind. as I soar along the coastline passing where I left him and floating on to where we may meet. again i wonder, whisper and wish. The vibration of the music in my brain is sweet to my ears, although the words are salty. I breathe it all in and float continuing to where I can melt into the oblivion that I seek. This place where good meets evil and today blends to tomorrow. The future doesn't exist. It's all about today.

the song in the background lingers and stirs up the memories of that moment we shared. as the red virgin walks by i hear her voice speaking softly. Maybe I can't hear her because all I want is the music. dark and dreamy and oh so satisfying in it's perverse shadow. It fills the void between the mystery and the wanting, or is it needing. Blurred. that huge gap that seems to never end. satisfied by the vividness of the moonlight. contented by the lack of left behind. searching, seeking, settled. i continue on my designated path of misguided perfection

finale

Stephanie Anne

©CNirvana

the end is closing in on the reason i came this far. its been a wild and crazy trip full of adventure, merriment, breathtaking landscapes and "bitey things". yeah that's right. the group here with community zoe was interviewed about our event, various questions asked about why we do what we do and the validity of making our art. poignant and brilliant comments where stated about the timelessness of art nudes and how their impact can last and transcend through generations. exclamations of our passion and dedication to get the perfect shot, chasing the light and creating collaborations that tingle our senses. some how the quote in the paper in Cairns Weekender page 4 turned out to be about how itchy our bug bites are. tragic really that the interviewer would skew our story in that way but funny that the australian adventure will now permanently be about boobs and bitey things. awesome.

i leave tomorrow with more freckles and a deeper bond with many. i'll miss the daily sunrises which seem far more challenging away from paradise. i dont sleep here but some how its ok. the flowing of the water in the distance will not soon be forgotten and as we all go off in our seperate ways to various cities, countries and states of mind we stop and share moments of perfect happiness, satisfaction, and friendship.

on my own again but never alone, the aussie tour progresses and things at home continue to change. change is good. change is necessary. change is the new start of every day.

again

Stephanie Anne

©CNirvana

back to where it all began, i find myself in Australia. Mission Beach today and its beautiful. surrounded by some of my favorite people and missing those that couldn't make it. i miss you, its not the same without you here. I'm beaten and bruised already which is expected when i do what i do. climbing trees and swimming through rocks. its all about getting the perfect shot and making history or at least something fantastic. my life is a blur but the moments that stick out are the only ones that count. the sun warms my soul and makes me feel happy.

Happy

seasons change

©Eric Scott

spring to summer, summer to fall, fall into winter

snow

i prefer the warmth, the way it wraps around me

grabbing my everything til the sweat starts to bead

i run to make my heart beat faster and feel the heat

the comfort of a warm sweater is almost as nice as what i really want

covered in the same warmth that the sun provides

hot to cold, warm to cool

all the same, as long as im with you.